These funky children are leaving my home today (spectacular yessss!) and I’m foregoing my morning jog since I’m getting my excercise bike later today. To all who ever slept on The Great Effort, today I sneer. Later, when I am svelte once again, I will laugh in your general direction.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what this Effort is for. It’s definitely to lose this belly weight that I’ve built up over the summer. It’s definitely to have slimmer thighs. I’m not buying any more clothes, so I really need to fit COMFORTABLY into a size 10 by the time I start school and have to wear something other than pajamas and sweats all day. If my clothes were all 12/13’s, I’d probably just stand my ground at 180 and keep it (not) moving.
But I can’t shake the feeling that there is a much more sinister—well maybe not sinister, but at least obsured—reason that I’m so fixated on losing weight. I mean, why do I have the urge to jog at 5 in the morning? (Really, I’m forcing myself not to go out… i’ll have my bike back in just a few more hours) Why do I own an exercise bike? Why am I eating yogurt?? I’ve never had this kind of willpower before and it’s kind of shocking to me.
I definitely want to be more attractive by the time school starts. I know it’s superficial, but I’m starting over with completely new people. I don’t want to be “that girl”… you know, the chubby one with the great sense of humor? At the very least I turn into that girl over time, but I try not to start off that way. Because people do judge you by your looks. I don’t want to come off as sloppy at first bat (as my mother says, “not well groomed”) because that’s not who I am; that’s who I become when I feel like shit and I want to push people away. But that’s not my life anymore, so I don’t have to be that fat girl.
So being superficial is just going to have to do for now. It’s making me get up and move my butt, and meet some of my neighboors. It’s helping me to build a healthy heart and body so I won’t have old, tight muscles and a skippidy heart and I won’t get winded walking up a flight of stairs. I’ve found a skin care regimine that works and I’m sticking to it really well; no more spottiness and having to hide behind tons of makeup and glitter to feel pretty. No more “I can’t go out because I don’t have anything to wear.” And I can finally stop making excuses for not getting this surgery that I desperately need. (Stick a pin in that. I’ll address it later) I just feel kinda close to splendid and I like the direction of progress I’m moving in.